Twilight – A Negative (Rabbit Room) Review
Andrew Peterson’s Rabbit Room website is one of the finest iStablishments on the web and I finally took the time to write a post and become a contributor. This is a topic I somewhat covered a few months ago, but here it is in more depth. You can see the real post here, but here it is in its ridiculous glory…
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So Andrew Peterson has been telling me for well over a year that I was welcome to post here at the Rabbit Room. He came to me a few days ago and said “Hey, remember that terrible book you sort of read? Want to review it on the site?” It seems like the perfect opportunity for my inaugural post. Russ Ramsey and Jason Gray write about theology and Paul Simon, I will write about teenage vampires.
To begin: I sort of read the book “Twilight”. By that I mean, I read all but the last ten pages. I knew there was a sequel, which meant that at least most of the characters did not die in an atomic bomb during those last ten pages and therefore there was no ending that would have satisfied me.
“Twilight” is the worst book I’ve ever read. And I read half of the first “Left Behind” book. I picked it up because I was told it was in the vein of Harry Potter. I love the idea of secret societies, whole new worlds right within our own to discover and enjoy. That stuff thrills me. “Twilight” is not like that. None of the characters have any personality whatsoever, so even their illogical actions and stupid decisions aren’t interesting.
One of the big scenes in the book is when the superhuman vampires play baseball. I went to Wrigley Field for the first time this year, and saw the Cubs beat the Pirates. It was cold and boring and I left after three innings. If someone had said, “would you rather watch this game with vampires playing?” I would of course have excitedly answered yes. Somehow, this book has shown me my instinct would be incorrect. Vampire baseball is also boring, and I imagine the beer is just as bland and expensive.
Basically here is the plot of this book, which you all have probably heard by now. A boring girl moves to the Pacific Northwest and meets a vampire who is mean to her, but only because he wants to eat her because he’s in love with her and he’s gorgeous. So he falls in love with her, because he’s beautiful and that is what the author wishes would have happened to her in high school. There is an Encyclopedia Brown twist at the end (i.e. a third-grader should see it coming) and that is the big finish. Again, and unfortunately, every character is probably still alive at the end of this book.
The heart of the tale, though, lies in this simple conversation that is had, and this is no exaggeration, probably 200 or 300 times throughout the book:
Her: “I love you, you’re so beautiful and perfect.”
Him: “Yes, I am.”Her: “But I’m so clumsy!”
Him: “Yes, you are, and I love you.”
Her: “I love you, you’re so beautiful and perfect. And cold.”
Him: stares off in the distance, looking like a model.If you cut that conversation out of the book it would probably be twenty pages long. And probably no better. There’s also the sad commentary on how teenage girls LOVE this book, and how this girl decides to completely give up her friends, family, personality and everything else to be in a relationship with a rich, good-looking guy who treats her terribly. I hope my daughters read this when they get older and learn that valuable lesson.
And yes, I will probably watch the movie “Twilight” at some point. It looks as if the movie is somehow worse than the book, and that type of terrible is probably pretty hilarious. Like Gymkata with fangs.
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Tonight’s songs:
Canada
Hold the Light
December 18th, 2008 at 5:41 am
Wow. That just made me laugh. You got the jist of it
What I think is funny is to watch people make fun of it. There’s so many ways to do it!
December 18th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Sooo….. two thumbs up from Andy?
A good friend of my wife is BEGGING us to read the books. She thinks they’re awesome. But when I saw the previews of the movie, I figured I’d like it better if I were in high school. And if I were a girl.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Uau!
I’m about to finish the last book of the series. Think it’s waaaaay better than tha Left Behind crap. At least it might encourage teens to feel like reading Wuthering Heights, which is a classic!
I learned not to be that arrogant when Harry Potter came out! Live and learn…
December 18th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Please don’t mention the Bronte sisters’ books in the same post as this pulp. Read the goosebumps series. Better plots.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Andy! That just made me laugh and almost shoot water out my nose. I first heard about this whole Twilight thing about 4 weeks ago when the lead character from the movie was doing an appearance at a local mall… there were a ton of teenage girls lined up to get an autograph. Then, on Thanksgiving, my aunt was talking about how she just read the first book. She said the writing was very, very poor and the whole theme of the book was stupid. My cousin just saw the movie and said it stunk…and she’s 16. You need to do more book reviews.
On another note… is there an Andy O. live cd in the future?
December 18th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Andy, Great show tonight in Charlotte, it was awesome! One question if you have time, what kind of guitar is the orange one? It looked like a Rickenbacher but I’m not sure. Thanks for your time, God Bless.
Drew Petrey
December 18th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Amazing show tonight – thank you! It was absolutely sublime. And I loved hearing swing wide live! Our favorite concert experience to date, hands down.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Wow. That was amazing.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I tried to read the review to my girlfriend who has read the books…I don’t think she thought it was as funny as I did…sad…
December 19th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought this. My younger sister (she’s 16) really enjoyed these books, and said they were as good as the Narnia series (that would be funny if this book wasn’t quite as bad), so I started the first one to see what it was all about, and was very disappointed. It portrays love in a way that is influenced much more by culture than truth. Love in this book is something irrational and totally in conflict with other moral issues (example turning on family and friends for loves sake). And don’t even get me started on the fact that the main characters, the two Andy talks about in the post, are a teenage girl and a hundred year old vampire, the age gap there is a little creepy if you ask me. Add the horrible writing to the mix of bad philosophical undertones and you have one horrible book and movie. Needless to say I couldn’t bring myself to finish the book, much less read any of the rest of the series.
December 19th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Sir Andrew, i posted this blog in my friendster bulletin (im from cebu city,philippines and friendster is what’s hot here than myspace and facebook hehehe).
and here’s one comment from a girl named Shella, a 20 year old Filipina girl now living in New York;
ok thats the worst review i’ve ever read in my whole life. vague, too wordy, indirect, and his reasons are a bit off. probably the writer of this terrible review didn’t grasp the whole im-good-to-you-bella concept. edward protected her! he didnt treat her in any manner that could qualify in my own definition of terrible.
also haven’t he heard of the word motif? omg it really shows how idiot he is! haha. im sorry but the stuff that he said were repeated 200 to 300 times is the motif of the story “twilight”. if you speak of the motif, it should be repeated again and again and again up until the story ends. if he reads the second book he will find the word “deja vu”. its not just there as a display or just to make the story long but it is the motif of the “new moon”.
i think the person who wrote this negative review needs to take up literature to better understand and enjoy good stories. he needs a good beating too! he exposed his idiotic and stupid mindset! lol
PS: sorry.. i just kind of dont like the way he wrote the whole negative thing.. too low and unconvincing..
December 20th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Yeah Andy, have you even READ a book in your life??? OMG.
December 20th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
The counter-review is not what I was going to comment upon, but…that’s hilarious. Andy, I think you’ve been called out. You need to defend your honor by reading and reviewing the second book in the series. Let me know if it says anything about deja vu.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Not that I’ve read “Twilight,” but I would imagine that all those characters that don’t die in the last ten pages grow up to be Nicholas Sparks characters. Minus the fangs (or with, you never know).
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Nice, Funny review. I’m not really anti Twilight but whatever, I still see the truth in what you said.
It was good seeing/hearing you again in Bham. I’m glad you keep up with what songs you sing where on your blog… of course, then I’m just sad I’m not everywhere. That’s hard to do… unless maybe I was a vampire like Edward. Traveling would be easier then.
Merry Christmas!
December 24th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Andy, the negative review of your negative review is totally wrong. Being a lover of good literature such as Fredrick Buechner, Jonathan Rogers, C. S. Lewis, and (one that is slowly becoming one of my Favorites, I’m in the middle of Atlas Shrugged right now) Ayn Rand, this was a horribly written that is along the same literary level as the crappy romance novels found only on the greeting card isle in grocery stores.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:44 am
im from ph too like the one who wrote the negative review of this negative review. I never read the book nor watch the movie but the fame of twilight is driving me to it. i decided to first read reviews about it, both positive and negative like this one before reading the book itself. i dont want to watch the movie because im sure it really sucks not because about the negative reviews but because it is a movie adapted from a novel (like harry potter and da vinci code). when i finished reading reviews, i will post a comment again here about what i think is trully true about twilight.
thanks.
February 7th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Well who ever wrote this cleary dosen’t understand its just a book.. calm down no one really cares what people think as it’s making millions anyway..
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and yes i do happen to be a girl and fairly young ad yes i do like twilight no im not obsessed and Left Behind is a load of crap.
Harry Potter however is incomparable the amount of imagination that is exerting in those novels.. Damn
you can definatly tell that the author is English
Twilight is great in it’s own write and no one really consideres to be obsessed unless they start believing that Vampires actually exist..
August 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I just want to let you know that this review has made me laugh so many times, and has made friends of mine laugh hysterically. I finally watched the movie last weekend with a girlfriend of mine and then to top off the evening, we reread this review – made our day!
Thanks
P.S: If you want a good laugh, watch the movie.